New Life MeetingWhat actually happens at a meeting.
The hardest part is the parking lot. Here is everything that happens after it, in order, so there are no surprises.
Our members are primarily men, and more women have been reaching out in recent years. If you're a woman, call first: depending on your circumstances you'll be invited, or connected with a women's meeting that runs the same format, readings and all. The Find us page has the number.
This is our meeting's real format, the one read aloud from a sheet every week. The lines in green are the only things you'll be asked to do, and every one of them is optional.
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Before
The parking lot
Members arrive a few minutes early and stand around talking. If someone sees you hesitating, they'll probably say hello and walk in with you. Nobody will ask why you're there. Everyone knows.
You: walk in. That's the whole job.
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0 min
Welcome
The chairperson opens: "Hello, my name is ____, and I'm a recovering sexaholic. Welcome to the New Life Meeting of Sexaholics Anonymous. This is a closed meeting, only those desiring their own personal sexual sobriety." Someone reads a short thought for the day from a meditation book.
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3 min
A moment of silence, then the Serenity Prayer
Silence for those still suffering outside the room, then everyone says together: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."
You: join in or stay quiet. Both are normal.
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5 min
Two short readings
Members read "The SA Purpose" and "What Is a Sexaholic and What Is Sexual Sobriety?" from the White Book, the fellowship's basic text. Copies are passed around. You will hear the sobriety definition the group uses: no sex with yourself and none with anyone other than your spouse, and progressive freedom from lust.
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10 min
Going around the room
Each person says their first name and how long they have been sober. It goes around the circle. When it reaches you, the format itself says newcomers need only share their first name.
You: "I'm [first name]." You can add "and this is my first meeting" if you want. Nothing else.
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13 min
Chips
Sobriety chips are offered for milestones. A newcomer chip is offered to anyone who wants one. It's a small plastic coin. Some keep theirs in a pocket for years.
You: take one or don't.
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15 min
The Problem, The Solution, and a page from the Big Book
Three more readings, each a few paragraphs. "The Problem" describes what it was like. Most newcomers hear their own life read back to them in it. "The Solution" describes what changed. Then a passage from Chapter Five of Alcoholics Anonymous, adapted for SA, which begins "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path."
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25 min
A tradition, and the basket
Someone reads one of the Twelve Traditions. Then a bag goes around for the Seventh Tradition: the group pays its own rent and buys its own coffee. There are no dues or fees.
You: pass the bag along. Newcomers are not expected to give anything.
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28 min
The ground rules
The chair reads them every time. No explicit descriptions. No abusive language. No "cross talk," which means nobody comments on or replies to what another member shares. Everyone speaks only from his own experience, using "I" and "me," never "you should." If anyone feels a share is getting too explicit, he quietly raises a hand and the speaker adjusts.
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30 min
Sharing
The main part of the meeting. Members take turns talking, for a few minutes each, about where they are this week and how they're using the Steps. Nobody is called on. There are pauses. That's fine.
You: listen. If you want to say something, you can. "I'm [name], this is my first meeting, and I don't know what to say yet" has been said in that room many times, and it is always met with nodding.
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75 min
Closing
The chair reminds everyone that what was said stays in the room, and that names, numbers, and emails are never shared. Those willing to sponsor raise their hands. Someone reads "A Vision for You." The group stands in a circle for a moment of silence and closes with a prayer.
You: this is when to say to anyone, "I'd like a phone number." They'll give you theirs, and probably two more.
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After
The parking lot again
This is where the real meeting often happens. People stay and talk. Ask anything. Ask how they got sober. Ask what a sponsor does. Ask whether it gets better. It does.
Things newcomers wonder about
Is it therapy?
No. There are no professionals in the room and no one is in charge. It's people who share the same problem, using the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous adapted for lust and sexual addiction. Many of us also see a counselor. The two work well together.
Do I have to be religious?
No. The program talks about a Higher Power, or God as you understand him. People in the room span every belief and some have none. What's asked is willingness, not a creed. The literature puts it this way: SA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization, or institution.
Do I have to have stopped already?
No. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober. You can consider yourself a member the moment you say you want that.
Will anyone find out I was there?
Anonymity is the foundation of the whole fellowship. What's said in the room stays there. Members never identify themselves or each other publicly. You'll be known by your first name.
What does it cost?
Nothing. A basket is passed for rent and coffee. Put in what you like or nothing at all.
What if I relapse?
Come back. Your sobriety date resets and nothing else does. People have walked back into that room after a slip more times than anyone can count, and the words they hear are "keep coming back."