New Life MeetingMeetings, meetings, meetings. Phone calls, phone calls, phone calls.
That's what a sponsor says on the first call, and it's the whole program in six words. Not a cure and not willpower. A way of living, one day at a time, that thousands of people have found works when nothing else did.
What people here actually do
The newcomer pamphlet lists it plainly, and it hasn't changed:
- Go to meetings. Then more meetings.
- Get a sponsor and talk to them regularly, every day if possible.
- Work the Steps with them.
- Read the literature, both SA's and AA's.
- Get a list of phone numbers and use it, especially when lust hits, to surrender it out loud to another member before acting on it.
- Pray in the morning to be kept sober just for today. Say thank you at night.
The Twelve Steps, in ordinary words
These are the steps of Sexaholics Anonymous, adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous. The official wording is on the left of each; the plain version is how a sponsor might explain it in the parking lot.
- We admitted we were powerless over lust, that our lives had become unmanageable.
I can't stop, and it's wrecking things. - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Something bigger than me can do what I can't. - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
I'll stop running my life on my own terms and let that Power run it. - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
I'll write down, honestly, what I've done and what drives me. - Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
I'll read it to my sponsor. The secret loses its power when it's said out loud. - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
I'll get willing to let go of the things underneath the behavior. - Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
I'll ask for help with them. - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
I'll list who I've hurt. - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
I'll set it right with them, carefully, with my sponsor's guidance, and never in a way that hurts them more. - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
I'll keep doing this, daily. - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
I'll stay connected. - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sexaholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I'll pass it on to the next man in the parking lot.
What a sponsor is
A sponsor is a member whose sobriety looks like something you want, who has worked the Steps and has a sponsor too. Not a counselor and not a boss. The person you call every day, the one you read your inventory to, the one who tells you the truth when you're bargaining. Men sponsor men and women sponsor women. At the end of every meeting, those willing to sponsor raise their hands. You can ask any of them. Many newcomers start with a temporary sponsor for the first few weeks.
The tools, for when it comes back
It will come back. Lust, in the fellowship's words, is cunning, baffling, powerful, and patient. These are the tools people here reach for, from the pamphlet Why Stop Lusting?
Honesty
The secret was the fuel. Telling another member exactly what's going on in your head, before you act on it, takes most of its power away. We call it "surrendering" the lust: you say it out loud to someone, and you don't have to carry it alone.
Avoiding triggers
Look honestly at what sets you off: certain sites, places, times of day, moods, people. Then make plain decisions to route around them. Not out of fear. Out of self-respect.
Prayer
"God, help me" is a complete prayer. Another that many of us use when lust fixes on someone: ask God to give that person every good thing you'd want for yourself. It's very hard to lust after someone you're blessing.
The phone
A list of numbers in your pocket. When it hits, you call before you act. The person on the other end has made that call too.
The slogans
First things first. Easy does it. One day at a time. Let go and let God. Keep it simple. They sound trite until the night they're the only thing holding.
What sobriety means here
SA's definition is specific, and it's read at every meeting: no sex with yourself and no sex with anyone other than your spouse, along with progressive freedom from lust. The fellowship speaks only for itself in this, and it's honest that the definition will discourage anyone who wants to control and enjoy his behavior rather than stop it. Those who came here were the ones who had tried everything else.
What people here say changes
Alcoholics Anonymous calls these the Promises. They're read at many SA meetings, and members will tell you which ones have come true for them.
- We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
- We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
- We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
- No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
- That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
- We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
- Self-seeking will slip away.
- Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
- Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
- We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
- We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. (Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 83-84)
As we begin to recover, we gain a new sense of integrity that makes us happy to be alive. No more hiding! No more lies! No more double life! From "Why Stop Lusting?", Sexaholics Anonymous literature