I keep going back.

The relapse started before the relapse

It didn't start when you opened the tab. It started hours or days earlier: the resentment you nursed, the fight you replayed, the tiredness, the loneliness you didn't tell anyone about, the first look you took and told yourself didn't count. The fellowship has a name for the moment it actually begins: the first drink. For us the first drink is the first look. Everything after it is the drunk.

Why the promises don't hold

Because you're making them alone, in the dark, right after. That's the moment the promise feels strongest and means least. A promise made to no one, to be kept by no one but the person who just broke the last one, is not a plan. It's the same loop with a new date on it.

What breaks the loop

Telling one person, specifically and soon. Not "I struggled," but what, when, what came before it. Every one of us found the same thing: the secret was the fuel, and saying it out loud to someone who had done the same took most of the power out of it. The book puts it plainly: lust hates the light. That's why blockers and deleted accounts held only as long as you were alone with it.

Come back anyway

If you'd been to a meeting and slipped, you'd be met with "keep coming back," because that's what everyone in the room was told the first time they came back. Your date resets and nothing else does. If you haven't been yet, this is the day to call, not the day after the streak you're about to start.

Get through the next hour Read how it starts and where it goes Find the meeting

Sexaholics Anonymous in Springfield, Missouri, the only SA meeting in southwest Missouri and the Ozarks. People drive in from Nixa, Ozark, Republic, Branson, Bolivar, Lebanon, Joplin, and the towns between. A closed meeting; members are primarily men, and anyone who calls is welcome. Nothing on this site is professional or medical advice.